How to break up a relationship by Rosalind Baker

Dear John, oh how I hate to write.
Dear John, I must let you know tonight
That my love for you has died
Like the grass upon the lawn . . .

How does one break it off?
What we recommend at Entre Nous dating service is that if you have not actually developed a relationship but have met two or three times, don't patronise.

There is nothing to break off. The guy who says, "I don't think we are really suited". Or the woman who says: "There's no chemistry but we could be friends" is really saying "I don't find you attractive".

Who wants to hear that? It's best not to say anything. If a woman is not interested to meet again yet is sure he will invite her out again, it's best to get in first.

Say something like: "It has been great to meet you. Good luck with your search, I'm sure you will find the right woman". If he asks you out again after that, tell him you would rather not or that you don't have time.

If he pursues the subject you can say, "I don't want to". Nobody can argue with "I don't want to" because we all have a right to our wants.

For a man it is easy just not to call again. If she doesn't hear from you she should know that you're not interested.
After one has been in a relationship one has to be even more considerate.

Remember that how you end this relationship will reflect on how someone else ends a relationship with you in the future. Even if you don't believe in karma, it does have a habit of rearing its head when you could do without it.

When you are breaking off a love relationship think of the other person. It is not a time to go over old wounds, to criticise or to hurt. Don't justify breaking up.

There will be enough hurt without adding fuel to the fire. Start off with some praise, the things you have enjoyed about the relationship. Then, say words to the affect, "I feel it is only fair to allow you to move on. I know I cannot give you what you deserve", or "You deserve much more than I can give you", "I really want to see you happy", "I know I may regret this, but I believe it's only fair to you".

If he or she asks, "What did I do wrong?" don't go there. It's not the right time. You should take the blame at this stage. Even if you have to say, "I am just not equipped to cope with your temper tantrums"; "I know you will find a man who is big enough to care for you when you need the support".

Sunday Age, John Elder 27th April 2008 page 10 News, referred to Fenella Winter's advertisement for stories on how people were dumped. I agree with Ms Winter that it is common practice for a man to take you out and dump you during the outing.

A dumping that stands out in my mind happened to a friend. Her boyfriend made a dumping tape for her to play. He not only dumped her by tape but gave her all the reasons – he was so sanctimonious.

Fortunately she had never taken him very seriously although his 'Dear John' tape was very amusing. After playing it to me, we decided to tell him she couldn't work the player and insisted he come over and tell her in person.

He was so unbelievably patronizing with such a huge ego. She said she had never suffered so much trying not to laugh as he took himself so seriously.

Breaking up may be difficult but remember The Golden Rule, 'Do unto others as you wish them to do to you". Put yourself in his/her shoes, be kind to your soon to be 'ex', you will feel so much better if you do.

Books by Rosalind Baker (nee Neville) Dial A Woman, Dial A Man & Dial A Personality www.entrenous.com.au/books

Questions: www.entrenous.com.au/faq

Further reading:
Fisher, Bruce, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, Impact Publishers: California 2004

To find out your personality type: click here
To find out "Are you ready for a relationship?": click here
Books by Rosalind Baker (nee Neville) Dial A Woman, Dial A Man & Dial A Personality: See our books
Questions: See our FAQ

Keywords: single men, single women, introduction agency, dating agency, dating service, entre nous, articles by Rosalind Baker, articles by Rosalind Neville, books by Rosalind Neville, books by Rosalind Baker, interviews with Rosalind Baker, interviews with Rosalind Neville, relationship advice, dating tips, personality types, The 7 personality types, the 7 male personality types, the seven female personality types

For more information, please contact:

Rosalind Baker (nee Neville), Principal
Telephone: (03) 9669 6000 or 0402 017 243
Email: rb@entrenous.com.au

Books by Rosalind Baker (nee Neville):
Dial A Woman, Dial A Man & Dial A Personality

Questions: Frequenty Asked Questions