Risk Management in Relationships

Regardless of her nationality, a girl wants a slap-up wedding. Bridesmaids, flower girls, groomsmen, fashionable outfits, limousines, a beautiful church with a moving ceremony and a memorable wedding breakfast including gourmet food, fine wine, speeches, music, dancing – everything possible to make it a great day. Then there is the honeymoon. The average cost of a 21st century wedding is $20,000.

Ask any divorced person: “How much of the wedding expense would they have given up to prevent the divorce?” Most of them would be prepared to forego the lot to have the marriage in tact the way they had hoped it would be - two people in love, happy in each other’s company and planning similar goals.

The success rate of first marriages is 45 percent and for second marriages it is 35 percent.

The success rate of first marriages is 45 percent and for second marriages it is 35 percent. That means you have less than a one-in-two chance of a first marriage succeeding and a one-in-three chance of a second or subsequent marriage succeeding. Despite these grim figures, couples are still keen to marry, disregarding the risk, and very few are prepared or even consider that they should be attempting to manage the risk.

The Relationship Education Course, also known as ‘Prepare’ is facilitated by Relationships Australia, Life Works and by the clergy at many protestant churches. The best time to enroll in a course is prior to the engagement – as early as possible. Unfortunately, most people who do enroll do so just prior to the wedding, giving them little time to sort out sticky issues.

At Entre Nous, once our members have formed a relationship we offer a four week relationship education course. Initially when we offered the course to partnered couples, they would respond that they are so happy that they did not need relationship education or they did not have time to enroll in a course because they are so busy with the wedding preparations. The average course takes six to eight hours. If you compare it with the time it takes to prepare the wedding and then add the honeymoon in, you are looking at 300 hours. Six – eight hours is a small amount of time to sacrifice for insurance. Although we do not charge our clients, for others the cost of the course is probably less than $300 which is less than two percent of the cost of the average wedding.

Archdeacon Philip Newman of St John’s Church, Toorak (Melbourne Anglican July 2000), advises that the success rate of married couples that have completed the Prepare Course is 90 percent. It doubles first marriage prospects and triples second marriage possibilities. He advises that ten percent of couples who enroll in the course opt out of marriage before the wedding, realizing that it would be a mistake to proceed. A Life Works’ facilitator related the story of one couple who had so many issues that she advised them to delay the wedding. But the wedding invitations had gone out so they decided to push on. This poor couple was attempting to begin a lifelong partnership behind the eight ball. What is more important, disappointing the wedding guests or ending up in the divorce courts? Either way the wedding guests would probably be disappointed.

During the Relationship Education Course, each partner is given an extensive questionnaire, to complete separately, which is sent Prepare/Enrich, Australia to be processed. This provides the facilitator with the weaknesses in the relationship – the issues that may pose a problem perhaps further down the track.

During the course conducted at St John’s Church, Toorak, the facilitator shows a film to illustrate how many fears arise in relationships that have nothing to do with the actual relationship, but are emulated because they arose in their parents’ relationship. In the film, an engaged couple are fighting over jealousies and infidelities that occurred in their parent’s relationship and have nothing to do with them. This is how many fears and jealousies occur; one learns them from one’s parents. They are unnecessary and may stop one enjoying a long term relationship.

Usually couples fall into a pattern of relating. There are four common negative pattern/cycles that will undermine the harmonious rhythm of the relationship. One of the most common patterns is the pursuer/distancer. The pursuer (usually the woman) raises a topic repeatedly whilst her voice rises to a crescendo only to find that the distancer (usually the man) remains silent or retreats. The more he is pursued, the more he wants to retreat into himself or out to his shed. The conflict escalates when the pursuer keeps chasing harder and harder, with the distancer becoming more and more closed and retreating further into his shell the harder she pushes. This leads to an impasse situation. Either both partners back off and leave the issue unresolved or it lurks until the next time it is raised with further damaging consequences.

It is situations like this that can destroy a beautiful relationship if the couple is not equipped to cope. When a couple has too many issues to cover during the Relationship Education Course, it is recommended that they extend the counseling sessions until issues are resolved and they feel able - in the future - to successfully deal with any other issues that may arise, on their own. Couples who continue counseling have a good chance of succeeding with their relationship once the issues are dealt with and they learn how to cope harmoniously.

At Entre Nous, we refer to relationship education as risk management. If couples could insure against divorce they would. When the risk in every other situation is managed, it should also be managed in the most important element of one’s life, one’s marriage or permanent relationship.

What is the point of the extravagant wedding, when you have a one-in-two or three chance of it succeeding? Maybe the cost of the wedding does not affect young couples because quite often parents bear the cost, however the cost of divorce is far higher. One can expect to lose exactly half of one’s worldly wealth if not more and then after that has been divvied up another large sum has to be taken out of your share to pay your solicitor.

Most people think, ‘it cannot happen to us’. Yet a less than 50/50 chance is not a safe bet.

The relationship education course is fun, informative and interesting. Afterwards most couples comment, “We thought we knew each other really well before we enrolled in this course and are absolutely amazed at how little we did know about each other”.

Recommended Relationship Education Facilitators:

Rosalind Neville is the Principal of Entre Nous, Relationship Consultancy and Educators.