Mistaken Identity
by Rosalind Neville
Can you tell the difference between a date and a psychotherapist?
No, this is not a riddle or a joke. It is amazing how many people, newly divorced or even not so newly, who cannot tell the difference. Have you heard of the film entitled The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat? It was about a man who actually did mistake his wife for his hat. But strange as it may seem every day of the week people, men and woman, are making a similar mistake. They actually treat their date as though he or she were a therapist; pouring out all their troubles, dumping mounds of boring verbal garbage on a poor unsuspecting first date.
It is mainly only on first dates that this occurs, because most recipients will not risk a second meeting for fear of a repetition of this demonstration of self obsessive ignorance. How sad that this newly divorced or separated emotional cripple does not realise how boring, after the first three minutes, his verbal diarrhoea becomes. W. Somerset Maugham wrote, `The world is quickly bored by the recital of misfortune and willingly avoids the sight of distress'.
Everyone, once in a while, needs a sounding board for their thoughts or a sympathetic ear but it is wise to be mindful of how little interest is generated in someone else's troubles. He who willingly lends an ear to someone else's troubles must be either a good friend or be receiving payment by the hour.
People who cannot distinguish between a date and a therapist usually have a temporarily distorted view of the world - a loss of perspective. It is in this state of self-obsession that they appear to suffer from memory lapse. A lapse that explains how they can repetitively verbally ruminate over the same trials and tribulations.
John Kenneth Galbraith said `The happiest time of anyones life is just after the first divorce'. And if he is to be believed one of the best cures for a newly separated lover is to get out and meet new people to take his or her mind off the old. But the exercise is a waste of time for both if their entire conversation evolves around past relationships. As well as boring your companion, dwelling on the past can be a debilitating and habit forming pastime destroying one's social skills that have been developed over many years to a level of satisfactory acceptance. Why lose those social skills in a quagmire of self-pity? After all, you will only draw to yourself that which you most persistently think about.
Dr David Schwartz, in The Magic of Thinking Big, says that over 80 per cent of our hospital beds are filled with people with `EII' (Emotionally Induced Illness). This does not mean that the people are not sick, just that their illnesses began in their minds. `As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.' was uttered by King Solomon almost 2000 years ago.
Of course many people who do mistake their date for a therapist do not do it intentionally and reflect on their evening with dismay, when they realise that their entire conversation was taken up with either berating themselves or their ex-partner over the break-up. To avoid this happening a most satisfactory method is to express one's views on paper. Write down every minute detail that has either been a constant or even the slightest irritation. No matter how long it takes. Once completed, precis it to less than half a page.
Now play games with your story. Read it out aloud with different accents; American, Chinese, Indian or French. Read it very slowly with much feeling and then very fast like a racing commentator. Read it out loudly with emphasis on key words, as though you were preaching a sermon; then in a deadpan manner as though you were languidly bored with it. Now fold up your story very neatly and tuck it into an envelope. Seal carefully and place on a high shelf in a dark cupboard; not to be aired
until you feel confident that you can discuss it without emotion. It was Plato who
said, `Take charge of your thoughts, you can do what you will with them'.
Should this method not work for you - you still find yourself dumping your troubles on your date as though she was a therapist - perhaps you really do require the services of a counsellor. Your local doctor will soon give you the name of a suitable therapist who will be glad to listen to your troubles while the clock ticks over like a taxi meter reminding you of the cost.
A psychologist's fee is usually about $75 and cannot be claimed on medical benefits, whereas a psychiatrist charges approximately $130 which is claimable. Both are capable of cutting you short in mid-sentence should you dare to over-step the hour.
Of course burdening a first date with your troubles may be less expensive - especially if you are not paying for the evening - there is more time available and this date is less likely to challenge one's statements than a therapist; only because your date has probably decided after the first three minutes that you are an egotist, shut-off, and is deeply engrossed in his own thoughts. His version of an egotist is probably, `A person who is more interested in himself than in me'.
Should you continue the practise of using poor unsuspecting first dates as free therapists unless you have a never-ending supply you will eventually run out or your reputation will clear the path as all `first dates' run for cover at the sound of your name. Can you see yourself saying? `I'm glad you don't recognise me. I'd rather have you like me for my self'.
For those who are newly separated or inexperienced at dating:
1 Decide beforehand what benefits you wish to attain from your evening. Do a list perhaps including:
- getting to know as much as possible about your companion
- to be entertained by your companion
- an evening of lighthearted gaiety and laughter
- ask questions about his career, family, hobbies and interests
- encourage him to tell you about amusing incidents that have been memorable throughout his life.
- relate your most amusing story and encourage him to do the same, tease him a little and if you are able to laugh at your self tell him of some of your most amusing feaux pas.
Chances are that your first date will have enjoyed the evening too and be keen to continue the friendship. Part of your enjoyment will be derived from the satisfaction of being able to hold the attention of and entertain your companion. Because remember in a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the other really likes.