Which one are you - the Friend or the Lover?

I believe there are only two distinct personality types that operate in the formative stages of relationships. In my book, Dial a Personality, I identified seven personality types within each man and woman, while the Myer Briggs method identifies eight distinct types and variations on those eight with no distinction between men and women.

In business, we often hear people speak of four personality types: the analytical, promoting, supporting and controlling types. I agree we can all be categorised within any of these personality sets, but in the formative stages of relationships there are just two active types – the Friend and the Lover. I have discovered that these two types have to be advised very differently to help them achieve the same end results.

The Friend (if female) had brothers or close male cousins or a boy next door throughout her childhood. She is very comfortable with the opposite sex, has lots of male friends and makes friends first before developing a relationship. To her, her partner is her best friend first and foremost. The male equivalent had sisters, went to a co-ed school and when he does not have a girlfriend complains, “I have heaps of female friends but none of them want to be lovers”.

On the other hand, the Lover (if female), either had no brothers, or if she had brothers there was a large age gap; she probably went to an all-girls school and her male friends are gay, married or live interstate. She has more difficulty in forming a relationship because she has the attitude that a man is either a date or not a date – there is nothing in between. She is not prepared to make friends with men if they are not suitable as a lover. The male equivalent feels the same way. Michael, the Lover, is typical of his type: “I never make friends with women that interest me, only women who are of no interest sexually”. In other words, a woman is either a sex object or she is not.

Although the male Friend complains about having so many females who are just buddies, he has a far greater chance of achieving his goal of a long-term relationship than does the Lover. He is comfortable with women, hence he is appears to be more fun, more relaxed and less threatening. He teases the shy woman, makes the powerful businesswoman blush and has the uptight Miss Prim giggling like a schoolgirl. He knows all about PMT and hormone replacement and has opinions on paid maternity leave and sexual discrimination in the workplace. He believes in equality and has a great respect for the opinions of women. His manners may not be perfect and he does not always dress that well. He does not appear to go out of his way to impress, but wins points because of his relaxed, likeable nature.

The male Lover loves women, but does not like them as much. He appreciates their worth in the workplace but secretly believes that man has the edge. He is chivalrous, well mannered, attentive and punctual and can be positively charming. He doesn’t invite a woman for a game of tennis, he takes her out to dinner. There is no such thing as a friendship first – it’s dating right from the beginning. He usually dresses to please women, may not be a good listener but is a good conversationalist and pretends to listen.

He learned at an early age of courtship to remember one or two things she told him and then on the next meeting refers to it just to let her know he is taking her seriously. The thing he remembers is of no interest to him at all, but it is part of his seduction technique and it works very well for him. John who is the Friend, said to his father, “The girls (referring to his three daughters) think such and such”, his father (who was the Lover) said, “ Never mind what they think”, inferring that women don’t have opinions worthy of consideration.

The female Lover is the most difficult person to match. Her self esteem is not as high as the Friend, although she is probably more glamorous and puts more effort into looking just right, but is usually seeking someone who looks just as glamorous as she does. She does not waste her time on anyone who does not match up, so that when she does meet a potential Mr Right, she is not relaxed with him and she usually comes across as desperate, intense or on the other hand, cold. She can’t see that she needs to practise on the men for whom there is no attraction – she thinks that would be leading them on. She doesn’t think she needs any more friends. It takes a considerable amount of convincing to persuade the Lover to try making friends with men. Despite the fact that she is usually very attractive, charming and intelligent, the Friend will win out over her every time. The Lover blames her lack of a partner on the quality of men available.

The female Friend usually has a natural, girl-next-door quality about her. She laughs a lot and may be a slightly overweight or not as glamorous as the Lover, but she has a high self-image. She will always attract the men we rate as being “a good catch”. It is interesting that, although men say they want beauty and brains, high self-image seems to attract men over and above everything else. At social events, the men flock around the not as glamorous Friend rather than the more attractive Lover. Sometimes the Friend collects so many friends that there is hardly room for a permanent relationship. It takes quite a tenacious Lover to ward off all his rivals for her attentions.

Rosalind Neville is the principal of Entre Nous Introduction Service and a theology student at Ridley College, University of Melbourne.